Going Up! My Blood Pressure, That Is

Not to go all Jerry Seinfeld, but what’s the deal with entering and exiting elevators these days? When the elevator arrives, one stands to either side of the door to allow passengers alighting from the car to exit quickly and without impediment. Isn’t this both a rule and the most basic common sense?

Why then do I constantly have to push my way past some jackass standing in the door and blocking my egress from the car? I mean, I’m the first to admit that I sometimes become overly-engrossed in reading something on my PDA or lost in some reverie related to lying on a tropical beach and/or smiting my enemies – and that this can result in my inadvertently blocking the doors of the elevator. But I immediately mutter “pardon me” and get the fuck out of the way. I don’t stand there slack-jawed and cow-eyed, still as a statue, thus forcing the disembarking passengers to squeeze past my inert and blobby self. And I certainly don’t just push my way onto the elevator before others have exited.

Yet I experience these behaviors from others multiple times every day at my office! Seriously. The doors open, and some blivet has planted him or herself squarely in the center of the exit, immobile and staring blankly into some indeterminate point on the horizon. I really don’t understand it. And the really sad part is that elevators are the only option for moving between floors – there are no accessible stairs between floors.

Also, I am eagerly awaiting the day when Otis decides to replace those cushy rubber bumpers on the doors with giant razor blades. Maybe then people would think twice before thrusting their hand into the nearly-closed doors of a crowded elevator, just so they can save themselves the 10 to 15 seconds they would’ve had to wait for another elevator to arrive.

Ugh. Fuckers.

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