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The humiliations of online dating (well, any kind of dating really) are legion – and for the most part beyond one’s control. One has to take the good with the bad (soooo much bad…) when wading into this morass of indignity and shame.

But, when it comes to the online version, one does choose one’s own onscreen name. The wiser among us go with a first name or perhaps a monongram. The tiresome (if they are gay men, that is) rely on some combination of “muscular,” “hot,” “sexy,” “hairy,” “smooth,” “top,” “bottom,” “bear,” “cub” and “ass” – though this construction is often a signal that they are looking for “dates” only in the very loosest of terms… The photos accompanying such profiles are usually mirror shots with a toilet in the background, along with an overly-fussy shower curtain that belies the owner’s stated sexual proclivities.

And then there are the clever sorts, who come up with something intended to be amusing, overly-descriptive or nudge-nudge-wink-wink. Which is fine, as far as it goes. But since online dating sites are often visited via mobile devices, one’s too-long screen name may be truncated when displayed in the Grid of Scorn. And hilarity ensues…

  • IrishHam…
  • SoCal Bea… (I sooooo wanted this to be accompanied by a photo of Maude Findlay)
  • LongTallDud…
  • PowerButt… (yes, I realize this is probably some dude’s actual handle – but in this case, it was the truncated version of PowerButton.)
  • ThunderP…
  • FurryGal…
  • ThrobinHo… (actually not as bad as ThrobinHood)
  • browneye…
  • dirtycow…

And for those of you who doubt how terrible online dating is, behold OKCupid Enemies. Taking the veil becomes more attractive by the day…

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